Pearls From My Lips

Entire Contents are (c) copyright 1913-2011
Do not copy, edit, paraphrase, download, haul off, or duplicate in any way
unless your two lawyers cost more to retain than my two lawyers.

Only one man in a hundred is a leader of men.
The other 999 are trying their best to
catch up with some woman.

Don't just keep the Faith

Share It.

The Hardest Part
of any Sale
Begins when the merchandise
is delivered.

The only thing worse than being criticised is finding out nobody cared how many mistakes you made.

In every marriage
there is a time to be BIG
and a time to BELITTLE.

Even when I joke
about money
I'm dead serious.

The trouble with this world
is there just aren't enough
purfect people
to go around.

C O M P R O M I S E
is where you agree to take
one step backward
and they agree
to take two steps forward.

People who won't work
when they are children
Grow Up To Be
Kids who won't work either.

The trouble with this world
is most people do
more good by accident
than they do on purpose.

It is IMPOSSIBLE
to argue with anyone
who isn't Neurotic
or wrong!

You can rip off
some of the people Most of the time.
But sooner or later
All of the People will insist on
letting someone else do it to them.
.

A Sample of Some Published,
Positive Scientific Expostulation

"If there had been a seismograph available,
and if it had been calibrated correctly
and if it had been perfectly balanced in the right spot,
and if there had been any electricity to drive it,
and if the right paper and the right ink had been invented previously,
then that earthquake might have registered
somewhere between 7.1 and 8.0 on the Richter Scale."

What really bothers me most about that documented passage of technical scripture is that it was produced for educating the best, cutting-edge scientific minds of the century, and they applauded the author's performance with genuine enthusiasm.

***

William Wordsworth encouraged us to:  "Come forth into the light of things; let nature be your teacher."
Do you live in the city, far from the gleaming woods that can teach you so much?  Find the park nearest you.  Pack a lunch and go spend the whole day communing with nature.  Be sure to bring a blanket and plenty of reading material to bury your nose in.

***

Sign in the window.  This store is so broke we hardly ever have more than $50 left in the store after the sun sets.  ... Then right beside it is another sign saying:  Now looking for full and part time help: All applicants must be able to pass the expert markmanship test and be able to demonstrate a reasonably fast draw.

/*\

Listen boss.  I've been working all week on the last 10 minute job you gave me.  From now on I won't accept any work assignment less than 15 minutes long.

***

After watching two burly truck drivers ahead of them flirt with the curly-headed waitress the nerd turned to his wife and muttered:  "The only thing men like that are good for is shoving real men away from the candy counter."

A wise man
Never Tries to Pretend
He is any smarter
Than I think he is. 

When I was acting as bodyguard one time the guy I was with left me in the pickup to guard the money we still had, the gold in the jewel case, and the merchandise in the back we'd already bought from other stops.

We must have had over $20,000 all told and were in a neighborhood where petty theft, burglary and robbery were the predominant means of support.  As more and more eyes slid my way to evaluate my cargo I decided that I'd better devote my attention to looking bad.

It wasn't that hard.  After all,  I am 6'2" and I weighed 240.  I won my first knife fight at age 11 and had been shot at a few times before then.  Mickey Spillane came on strong.  I scowled at everyone.  I was bad.  "Don't even think about coming over this way."  Mickey never could have done it so good.

Then this tall dude approached us from down the street.  His angry eye studied every man in sight.  Then he ignored everybody there and headed right for me.  I scowled fiercely.  He noted it, and kept right on coming.  Anger burned its way right up to the top of my eyebrows.  I was ready to blister every hair off his head.

He stopped beside my door, staring right at me.  I cranked the window down about four inches, just low enough to let him know I wasn't afraid of him, and still high enough   to get the message across I didn't want any trouble either.

"I'm hungry," he said.  "Can you spare a dollar or two for me to get something to eat?"

I studied him for a moment and having been homeless myself for eight long years, I realized he really was hungry.  I reached into my own pocket to bring out 3 one dollar bills.  "Thanks," I said as I handed them to him.

"You're welcome,"  He nodded, and walked back the way he'd come from, right past the big liquor store and into the big bakery that specialized in day old bread.

People were watching me.  I tried to scowl to show how bad I was.  But it didn't work; out of everybody on the street that man had unerringly picked me out as the nicest guy there.

Click here for a Cozy Read.

The answer to all my short prayers
seems to be a long list of things to do for someone else!

I will always have the courage to check my convictions,
and if I don't have any,
to believe the subject isn't that important.

Once you get used to a certain level of pain
anything less is pleasure.

The wish to be somebody is more persistent than the burning need to become somebody.

Get on your knees to ask the Lord for Guidance,
Then work like the devil was right on your heels.

You can take my advice with complete confidence because my only desire is to straighten you out. If you really have to ask, you really don't want to know. Buddy, that's a hot potato, no matter how you mash it.

MORE Humor

Have you enjoyed this article?
You'll chuckle over these other tidbits as well.


Camp Cody in New Mexico
It all started in GOOD OLD CAMP CODY
An audio generated from material original to Josh Lee
Narrated by Lin Stone

The first thing you have to do before burning anything
in your wood fireplace is to check whether
the thermostat is turned down. 

Hooch The story of a boy and his dog, and the tigers that loved them to death.

Get Out And VOTE.

One Liners, the most popular brand of humor in America.

Secrets of Success, according to Lucy Goosey 

Sound of Music Stories  Why Julie Andrews decided to take the part.

Ink Blots Are Prejudiced!

Doktor Freud had some important things to say.

Bloopers First Class, MisPrince from Advertising

Imitation Psychiatrists  The atmosphere inside is sincere, earthy, and courteous.  Our help is so effective that sometimes we even lull each other to sleep. After years of dedicated practice we can speak soothing, meaningless drivel on a variety of subjects.

***

One unforgettable Sunday our church had a three-year- old preacher, an organist who could only play one song, an altercation involving the offering and a visiting beagle who knocked over the pulpit. It happened this way on . . One Unforgettable Sunday. 
Light-Hearted Stories of Hope 

***

Will Rogers Cuts Loose On The Armistice 

**

Are you sick and tired of being broke?  Maybe it is time to take this three part course in robbing banks.
Bank Robbery, Course 1
Bank Robbery, Course 2
Bank Robbery, Course 3

The Lady Ore the Tiger
 
Christmas Lists 
Hot New Dog Race Explodes with a bang from the City Hall in Stuttgart and will continue uninterrupted until the winners collect their winnings on the front steps of the Bank of England, which will be holding the magnificent purse.

The Skeeter Beater
, by Lin Stone 
The First Romeo and the Last Juliet, by Earl H. Roberts 
The Beebe Flea Market
by Maggie Wood 
Where in the World, by Maggie Wood 
Buddha in the Bathtub by Earl H. Roberts
 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 1 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 2 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 3 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 4 
Fun With Misfired Words, part 5 
Pearls from My Lips 

The Pakistani Perpetrators 

Frankie and Johnny were sweethearts, even if Johnny was so crazy with jealousy that --

Masters of Disguise  tales from Hollywood. 
Stories of Shirley Temple in Hollywood 
Chickens are Cute Little Carnivores 
The Church of the Chaise Lounge, If it feels good, sleep on it. 
Warner Brothers leads the way to Sound movies.
The Crabgrass Connection -- (Or, If We intend to Save America, we MUST quit blowing off Steam!)    Lin offers no apologies for tackling Chinese midgets in this one.  He sincerely believes that we must quit feeding the hand that bites us if we want to conquer the crabgrass in our front yards. 
Is Your Hologram keeping track of you?
 

The Couch Potato's Credible Comeback 
Insurance Humor 
Victory over the Virus 
Galded in the Saddle
, an exposition of the cure that bites from the behind. 
Passion in a Flower pot
... The deal of a lifetime finds romance from down Mejico Way. 
Dear Abby
:  A plea for help. 
Ancient Document Discovered
by Earl H. Roberts:  This one will find most interest from those with a military background, including those who have watched a few war movies. 
Drop Him GOOD
, by Earl H. Roberts

Liquid Vitamins in a Liquid World?  What is this world coming to?
Rising From The Ashes, by Earl H. Roberts.  Sometimes we just flat gotta face facts head on and honestly if we intend for the flames of ambition to lift us to new heights. 
The Popcorn Automatic self-improvement replicator program.
Sneakers Sneak Into The World
The Unified Theory of Web Economics and the Science of Selling Gas
Sincerely yours, tired, trite, and untrue.
Startled, or Scared? 

The Tinted Venus  What do you do when Venus comes to life and will love no one, only you?  Our young hairdresser wishes to run for his life.  This is a complete, full sized book.  Please RIGHT CLICK on the title to download your copy to your desktop.

Valentine's Day Speshul 

The Mad Dog, and danged if he didn't bite.
Oldies, older than the Civil War.
Some of the funniest material on the web comes from an unintentional mangling of the English language.  For instance, "Do not chase about your plumber." Tales of the Broke and Famous
Noah's Departure 
A Google Addict 
A man and his wife are soon parted. 
The Dust Bunnies Are EVERYWHERE! 
Body Building Inventions you haven't seen yet

Brand Them GOOD!
The Adventures of Psi King 
Gila Bend of Yesteryear 

The Book of Huckleberry Finn.  The story of an uncivilized boy that took a runaway slave down the river.

With fuel prices getting plumb out of control you need to make every cent you spend on Insurance do double duty. A few minutes of your time can be worth thousands of dollars in savings over the life of your insurance policy. Let us help you find the best rates that offer you affordable and family friendly coverage. Click HERE to find a train load of savings on every kind of insurance policy you need. Low cost, family friendly, bargain rates, and even downright CHEAP policies and it won't cost you a penny to see if we are spot on RIGHT! Free quotes for individuals, children, family, self employed, small group, travel, temporary, international, seniors, catastrophic, home, auto, farm and ranch. Save your money. Get the friendliest quotes on all your insurance needs.


Powered By: Crafty Syntax

Write Better Learn the Basics YOUR World
Hit it another lick  
Tips for writing better  
Books for writers
Cafe Hemingway
You Can Be a Writer TODAY. 
Get published

Learn how to access public records so as to give you X-ray vision into the communities you write about.
Collaborate with me on material I provide you with for free. 
How To Take Criticism
Easy Research for writers 

Learn from the Legends
Big Screen writing  
Proposals for Nonfiction  
Free Plots to use
  
Ring in Writing Assignments
  
Using transition words   
Writing for Kids *  
Settings that take your breath away? 
How and Why you need a copyeditor
What the heck is a meme? 
Writing In Your Sleep 
By Their Errors You Shall Know Them 
How To Write An Article For The Web 
 Write a better Query
 Make your query a KNOCKOUT 
How to Write a Publicity Release 
The basics of Publicity Release formats 
The Secret of writing Press Releases 

Make the Masters tell you their secrets. 
Newsletters that flop, and what to do to avoid a similar fate.
Create a bottomless notebook to spark new story ideas any time you need them.
Using Description to Drag your readers into your story.
800 words and phrases that SELL!

How To Write Powerful Speeches
With All Due Respect 
Indexing and the importance of key words
How To Write Product Instructions 
Resources for writers to quote and interview.
Learn how to Hyphen-ate 
The RIGHT way to use an " ' "

Convert your writing to java script 
Writing Well Is A Barrier?
30 Ways To Write Better
The 50 most hated characters of literary app.
10 Emerging Book Genres You’ve Probably Never Heard Of

Producing Your First Best Seller 
Complete course reveals how to publish your book successfully.
Million Dollar Sales Letters 

Break Into Technical Writing. 
Your Internet Profits  
Learn to use the new Talk and Type software.

7 Lucky Ways You Can Earn More Money With Your Writing Skills.

The End    
Understanding Copyright
Free Software for writers 
Practice Makes Perfect 

Break into a Food Writing Career.  This is fast becoming a BEST SELLER.
Specialty Niches on the web could be YOUR step up. 
Free pictures you can use
Building web pages
Promote Your Own Site
Improve your web site's search engine ranking 
Add music to your site?  Click HERE to see just how easy it can be, and for more information on a company you want to avoid.
Own Your Own Article Directory 

Piggyback the Hollidays for Free book publicity.
Protect Your Work * 

FREE VIDEO
101 Ways To Improve Your Sales Letters

What You Can Learn From Dr. Phil About Writing Non-fiction Books 
How to Avoid the High Cost of Conventional Promotions and Still Sell More Books. 

Print Your Own Money 
Sell More Books by making your publisher move into high gear. 

Ebooks are for Amateurs 
Shifty-eyed Article Writing, what it is and how to tame it.
Protect Yourself and your protagonist.
14 Winning Methods to Sell Any Product or Service in a Down Economy

Since 1997 Tale Wins has been dedicated to helping writers of family-oriented material MAKE MONEY from their works.

Here's How To Make up a good sob story Free Sample

How To Build Your Own Web Site AND Start Making Money From It In Less Than 2 Hours.

Press Release Magic  

Your Book Marketing Plan 
Market Your Book on FaceBook

How to make the most of PLR; your fastest, safest source of splendid success.

The Power Of 3
3 Quick Steps to churn out a constant stream of professionally written articles.

Contact the owner of this site.

142 free romance novels you can download today.
Speed Reading, Faster, better.
Vacations In the United States 
Vacations Around The World
 
Make Money from information you don't even write yourself. 

Great custom personalized pens for your writing with Amsterdam Printing. 

 
How To Weedout Second Rate Copywriters
Produce CopyWriting Hotter Than A Steak On Fire
Publish your book  in PDF files.  
Just The Writer... when the movie makers take over the book, where does the writer go?
Post YOUR best quotes here.
 
Travel the World, and get paid for it.

The Secret of Success, according to Lucy Goosey. 
humor for writers
Free humor
Do you own what you write?
Make Money From Home 
Privacy Policy
Watch out for the Land Gurus

From nothing nowhere to 4th place on the front page of a Google search in less than 12 hours even done by an unknown author that had never written anything?  Yes, it can be done, with lesser known terms.  Check it out.

Horse Lover Faqs 
There is only ONE WAY Sex will Sell on the web
Free Report, Five Reasons To Check Your Credit Report
Simple Calculator for writers.  
Turn Your Mystery Writing Dream Into A Reality
Wisdom
Dealers Wanted
Read My News  
Insurance Information for Writers
Books almost free. 
Are you feeling hopeless? 
Don't be Buried Alive by SPAM! 
Better Query Results can be YOURS!
Click HERE if you want to be a comedian.
Learn the Art of Creative Writing 
Make Your Own Movies
A sample book review 
Put yourself online, in the movies.
Watching Cartoons
What is Money?
DISCOVER HOW YOU CAN STOP THAT FORECLOSURE! There is no need to lose your home. 
How to rewrite PLR really well and really fast.  You can now be safe and secure.  Rewrite articles, stories, even books, really fast and really well. 
Understanding debt, finance, and credit solutions 
Mottoes 
Seizures and their sources 
Get Your Library Science Degree Online Guide
Attracting Readers to your Book
Writing the Business Article

Learn MORE about Health Insurance Coverage
ADVERTISE FOR FREE..
Get your book published in as little as 2 weeks.
Publish Your Books 

"Our Two Lawyers insist we warn you:
No advice on this site should be used
without first contacting one professional in that field."

And also, be forewarned
Clicking on some of our links
will help us earn a few cents!

Here are some more important folders
available to you from Tale Wins.

The X-Files  *  Acne Before Breakfast  *  Allergies and their toll  *  Bargains   *  Birding Basics  *  Cancer Campaigns  *  Crafts you can do  *  The Tooth Fairy  *  Diabetes Articles   *  Diet Aids  *  Gardening Tools  *  Help at Work  *  Home Improvement   *  House Painting  *  HomePreneurs  *  Pain Control  *  Personal Improvement  *  Prevention  *  Miniature Horses   *  Potential Earnings Disclaimer  *  An Introduction to VoIP  *  STOP THE SPAM.    Quit being Buried Alive  *  Essays about the Family   *  Masters of Disguise  *  Can Your Religion help you write better? 

Copyright © 1916 - 2011 by
Tale Wins


Powered By: Crafty Syntax

 See our stats grow because YOU were here.

Thank you for coming
and I hope you have been entertained and learned something as well.