Robbing Banks
The ULTIMATE  Form
of Debt Relief!

Picking A Target

All banks are not created equal and some hold more money than others. You should pick a nice shiny new bank, preferably as far away from a police station(or military base) as possible. The bank needs a clear exit path for you, but at the same time needs to take a long time for help to reach. Ideally you will want a bank with a low counter so you can leap it athletically at some point of the robbery. This goes down well with any female hostages you have to take if the robbery goes badly later.

Scoping Out Your Target

You need to know the bank inside out by the time you perform your heist. Check where all the cameras are and where secret alarm buttons could be. You also need to know when staff take their breaks and how often and who goes into secure areas. How many henchmen are you going to need to cover all the staff and customers? Do you need to blow anything up to get to money? Is there any extra avenues of escape?

Choosing Your Henchmen

You could try robbing a bank by yourself, but you'd need a relatively small one to cover all the bases. Ideally you will get a gang together that operates as a well oiled team. As such you should consider hiring the pit crew from your local motor sports team. These guys are used to working together against the clock. Most amateur bank robbers start by hiring thug henchmen, and this is where things start going wrong. Sure, your average thug will be thrilled to get paid fifty bucks and a six-pack for his afternoons work, but he's also likely to crack under police interrogation, shoot a hostage or foil the robbery by doing something stupid like call you your real name.

The best henchmen are family members because they will be loyal unto death. bank robbery can be a pleasant afternoon excursion that really brings the family together. It worked for Dick and Jane, so it's bound to work for you.

Get Some Weapons

You can't hold up the bank with a toothpick and a scowl. You need weapons. Luckily these are easy to get hold of. You can buy a nice selection of knives and hand weapons at your local hunting and fishing store. Just ask the salesmen which are most suited for bank robbery and he'll give you plenty of helpful hints. If you actually intend to charge in to the bank shooting, you may like to pick up some ammunition too.

Get a disguise sorted out

Bank robberies will be reported from coast to coast if done properly. It's always great to have a team uniform, such as skeleton suits and masks. Then no-one has a clue who you are unless you were dumb enough to order the suits at a local store and pay with your credit card(ADVANCED TIP: Don't order at the local store and pay with your credit card.) But you are robbing the bank because you are poor right - so you can do it on the cheap. The trick when picking a disguise is to run what the newsreader will say through your head.

Things that can assist in disguising the real you:

A wig. Changing the color and length of your hair is a masterplan. All bank robbers should wear wigs. Just make sure it is well secured as you jump across the counter.
False tattoos - these should be placed discretely so the camera catches just a glimpse of them and no more. The then cops are out looking for someone with a tattoo and you are scott free(HINT: Do not get a victory tattoo in the same place if you try this method).
Distinctive clothing - This should be a given. Wear a 'class of 99' T-shirt from the banks local school and the police will spend forever interviewing school kids instead of tracking you down. Note that you shouldn't do this if you are actually a member of the class of '99 or if you are over 60. That bluff may be spotted
Distinctive footwear - This is a priceless tip. Steal a workmans boots from a local construction site, stomp around in a type of mud only found in one place within a thousand miles and then leave muddy footprints during the robbery.
Shades - wearing dark glasses during a robbery covers your face from security footage and reduces your chances of being recognized. It also adds a whole new level of cool to your robbery. Combine dark glasses with a good leap over the counter and you are sure to score your female hostages. Add a long jacket and it's a shoe-in. Just make sure your glasses aren't so dark you keep walking into walls
Flowing Jacket - See above - also great for concealing weapons under.
Gloves - gloves negate fingerprints and are much easier and less painful than filing your fingertips off.
Congratulations, you are now ready for your first big robbery. Look out for part two of this series - the heist.