How To Behave
At Funerals
Copyright © 2005
by Browzer Books
All Rights Reserved
What is Man that Thou art mindful of Him?
There are only two things certain in this life,
One is Death
The other is taxes.
Funerals are for the living. People don't fly half way across the country to see old Bill in his pretty casket. They do come to show others they cared. They come to comfort Dorothy. They come because Greg will be there and they haven't seen him in 30 years. They come to be a part of the show. They come to see the show, even if they know in advance they will hate the show.
People come to funerals in the best they have, even if that is just rags that can't possibly hide their poverty.
I usually feel cheated at the funeral of a near friend when I see the family displays, and hear the recital of accomplishments. "Why didn't I get to know _______ any better?"
Then I get to thinking that if old Bill had been telling me about those things he'd have lost my friendship because he was such a braggart. It's almost like hearing him say, "You should have been paying attention," as I sit there listening to the eulogy
Attention is about all I can afford to pay, and I still miss out on 90% of what the rest of the world knows. So, I go to funerals with every intention of listening, to the people there, the undertakers, and even the minister. I listen, and I watch, and I try to offer my hand to anyone having trouble with their grief.
There's an old saying that goes: Wives don't care about insurance, but widows do. I do know there's always less general grief when the party in the casket carried good insurance. Lots of visitors bring flowers, or food to help the grieving family. But oh how few remember to bring money.
When friends discover that old Bill left Dorothy and the kids with more than enough to get by on, it makes the load of concern much lighter. Children who won't have to reach into their own pockets to bury their "Bill" don't feel nearly as betrayed either. Funerals are traumatic enough already without adding the burden of scurrying for burial funds and immediate living expenses.
One thing to remember about Insurance is that there will come a day when you and I can not get life insurance. I was at one pre-funeral family gathering where "Daddy" had let his insurance premiums lapse and the kids were having to reach deep into desperate pockets. There were scowls all around until the eldest boy said: "Well, I'm going to put in $800 for that time Daddy came to pick my stuff up off the road when that Texas Truck Driver ran over me." One by one the other kids remembered when "Daddy" had done them a good turn too, and the money for the funeral came across more willingly even though they had to borrow. You'd be astonished at how many people call their insurance agents with tears of gratitude after a funeral.
It always bothered me how to act at a funeral, having four hands and six left feet didn't help a blasted bit. Until Reverend Welch died I had never lost anyone I was really attached to, for one thing. That left me feeling out of place with all that grieving at funerals. The older I got, the more funerals I attended until now it seems there are 3 or 4 per month that I'm obligated to attend, and I'm getting much better at it.
There were a lot of behavior examples I didn't want to follow, feeling they were about as dumb as I was to start with. The coarse jokes, the ogling of young girls, and slipping outside to empty a bottle or two, never did appeal to me.
My next examples came from the professionals, the undertaking staff. Their first rule of somber behavior is to keep your mouth closed and your chin down. That makes you look sad and pious, no matter what you're thinking. This tactic comes in handy when I hear a good joke -- and there are more really good jokes told at funerals than on any television show I've ever seen. Of course, I watch more funerals than I do television.
Telling good jokes doesn't mean that people go there to be disrespectful; it just seems to be a natural escape mechanism used to bounce the human mind away from the inevitable, back to the frivolous.
Be that as it may, if a joke gets its way with you, holding your mouth shut and clamping your chin down will help you choke that guffaw down into solitary confinement.
Looking like an undertaker does bad things to you though. For one thing, it numbs your feelings. For another, it causes you to miss out on a lot of good jokes as people tend to ignore anyone who looks like an undertaker when they are passing around the good jokes at a funeral.
Other behaviors I noticed at funerals are "Water Girls" and "Support Brothers."
Water girls turn the faucets on before they ever get there, and keep them running throughout the service. As far as I can tell, the tears are for real; some people just cry easier than the rest of us. It's probably a good thing for them and something we could let ourselves emulate occasionally.
Support brothers are there to run interference for the bereaved. Stalwart pillars of officialdom, they keep the traffic off the dear ones. Self-appointed Support brothers should be taken out and shot for wrecking a good funeral while those invited to perform their duties because of genuine concern are worth their weight in gold.
I don't have anything against Water Girls or Support Brothers, but would hardly recommend becoming either one to everyone in creation.
I don't pretend a sad deference to the deceased because I know s/he is in a far better place than we are. Concern for the family or friends is natural, and I show that concern with some service or symbol of concern before the funeral begins, like taking over flowers, or meals. (I've always wished I had bought that Rose Roller that made roses out of hundred dollar bills. I figure it might work just as good with singles.) It always comes as a shock to me that others forget these little amenities. And if you really care, come by a week after the funeral to provide some symbol of service to the family, like cutting the grass or checking out the furnace. I always take my wife along to add comfort inside the home while I toil away outside.
After years of study and practice I have come to the perfect combination of behavior at funerals for me; I call it Misty-eyed Sunshine. I keep a mildly misty-eyed smile on my face, and shake hands with anyone coming within two feet of me. That seems to work for me 100% of the time.
In the final analysis, the behavior you choose to display at funerals should become natural to you, with a peck or two of good sense thrown in.
Don't avoid the bereaved, don't offer an embrace unless s/he indicates one is wanted from you.
Let the water sisters and support brothers do their thing.
Tell your best jokes outside or in the hallways.
Last but not least, don't run the chapel down while you're there.
Wait until you get home to tell anyone how badly someone else looked at the funeral.
Oh, a priceless tip for the bereaved for when unwelcome embraces are winging your way. I have only seen this twice now but it worked so well that I was shocked. Take one step towards the aggressor -- and turn sideways to them at the last second. There is nothing they can do short of looking immensely foolish trying to get around to the front of you. For good grace you might drape an arm around the aggressor's shoulder Using this tactic you won't even smell bad breath, much less experience unwelcome pressures on the bosom!
Be Your Own |
Planning ahead is the best way to insure your own funeral turns out a good one.
For example: When I die I want a 21 balloon salute. Just before the casket is lowered into the earth, let those 21 stalwart balloons rise into the sky and when they are as high as they can go, let my 21 personalities be released there to escape back to whence they came while I zing on to my next job site.
Some of the things you want to plan for your funeral are
enough insurance to cover your final expenses. Pre-Need policies from funeral homes are fine if nothing goes wrong. But you may end up as one Chickasha Oklahoma man with a big farm and lots of equipment did. He and his wife were in a car accident. His surviving wife was sued for wrongful death, and there was no income left to her for years. The Pre-Need settlement was attached along with everything else. A good Insurance Policy would at least have paid off without being attached.
write it down WHERE you want to be buried.
Write out your own epitaph, and phooie on Hughie to anyone who doesn't agree with your choice of words.
Create a Memorial Guide, recording some of the achievements you want to be remembered for.
Write down Where you want the funeral held.
Make known your preferences for burial or cremation, plot or crypt.
Write down WHO you want to conduct.
Write down who all you want to speak, and what speaker should be stricken from the lectern at all costs. Oh, the competition I have seen from siblings and friends at these solemn occasions. "I remember Mama. And I know that right now Mama is up there in heaven, making biscuits for Papa one more time." To which my wife leaned over and whispered, "If I have to cook for you up there, I'm not going."
Write down your favorite hymns to be played.
Create a will.
Don't forget the grandkids and their higher educational needs.
Do you, for example, want to prepare for eventualities, first to your spouse, but back to YOUR heirs if your spouse dies before you do?
Name an executor.
Record the location of important documents, diaries, keepsakes.
One family KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the deceased had a chunk of jewelry in the house somewhere. Before they sold the house they searched one last time, high and low. Nothing showed up. Then, just before the new owner took possession she spotted a leak from the hot water heater. Upon moving the hot water heater out they found a wad of jewels taped to the back of the hot water heater jacket. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of jewels only the plumber might have known about. Golly gum drops.
Talk your arrangements over with your family and friends.
There is one set of directions left to give and that's for participating in the funeral procession. If the cemetery is only a mile away most people can get there even if an idjit messes up the procession. But some cemeteries I've gone to are over a hundred miles away and the opportunities for someone to mess up become astronomical. The longer the trip the more important it might be to write out these reminders with a map to the cemetery.
Turn your lights on.
Stay close to the car ahead of you
Do NOT STOP for red lights or stop signs along the way. The choice of stop or not to stop belongs to the funeral director in the lead vehicle. Everyone else is to follow that example.
Done and Gone, Dealing With Grief
Coping with funerals
More advice about grief.
Grief, Loss and Renewal
and the Widow Net.
Natural Death.
THE NATURAL DEATH CENTRE is an educational charity which believes that all of us should, and can, prepare for our own deaths and those of our friends and loved ones, and that this intense personal experience should (as far as possible) be under our own control, not that of medical professionals or big institutions.
The Post Mortem Booklist Page Source is also quite extensive.
the end.
Lin Stone is an author, writer and photographer living in Mena Arkansas among the gentle mountains known as Ouachita. His articles and essays are syndicated by talewins to be published on other web sites. You can have immediate, and free, reading of many more pieces when you send your little surfer scooting to Lin's home page at http://www.talewins.com/StoneSoup.htm where he keeps stirring up more good things for the soul.
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