GUIDING OUR YOUTH

Copyright © 2000 by Rhoberta Shaler, PhD,

Rhoberta is a speaker, consultant, author and executive coach

Children and teens deserve respect. We demonstrate this respect for their existence and their inquiring, curious minds by providing constant love, guidance, safety, nurturing and nourishing. One of the major factors plaguing our society is the violence among our youth. Adults can take responsibility for their role in the creation of this consciousness of violence.

As statistics indicate, the prevalence of physical, sexual and emotional abuse has been and continues to be significant. A parent abused in his/her childhood, youth or previous partnership is highly likely to perpetrate that abuse by abusing his/her children or partner. The primary school for learning to be a parent is from our own parents. If we have been taught that abuse is the way to parent, many of us will abuse.

Yes, abuse is a strong word, however, that is what it is when children are bullied, forced, spanked, belittled, ignored, put down, neglected, hit, overpowered or sexually used. No one wants to think of him or herself as engaging in abusive behaviors or habits, of course, but it is important for us to confront the truth about any of these behaviors. They are abusive.

It is common for parents to rationalize their choices by saying things like, "That's the way it was when I was a kid and it never hurt me any." or "Now and again it's the only way I can get through to him/her." or "I don't have time for talk." We excuse ourselves rather than accepting responsibility for learning communication skills and effective parenting strategies that reduce and eliminate power struggles and allow us to understand ourselves and our children and teens better. Support is needed for both parents and children. Joining with other parents to learn new ways of being with our young people offers opportunities for giving and receiving support and encouragement as well as for the transmission of information, techniques, stories and strategies for creative problem-solving and comfortable co-habitation with kids.

A current movement is that of ACoA, Adult Children of Alcoholics. This is a good example of the effects of one generation's choices on the next. There is a significant correlation between the number of alcoholic parents and the number of abusing parents, as intoxicated people often exhibit rage and other inappropriate behaviors. Alcoholic parents create environments for children to experience deep shame. Deep shame is exhibited in one of two ways, superiority, arrogance and rage, or inferiority, self-abasement and withdrawal. Neither of these options is a healthy lifestyle choice. For those who have experienced this in their childhood environment, it is essential for them to grow beyond it and recognize themselves as unlimited spiritual beings capable of positive growth and function, capable of becoming fully responsible for the choices they make in the present moment rather than using the past as their pattern. This is a large undertaking and a vital one.

Working with parent groups, I often encounter parents who have been deeply wounded, shamed in childhood, by their parents. One mother recently spoke of her constant struggle to "be a good parent". During discussion she shared that her definition of what it meant to be a good parent was that she would not do to her children what had been done to her. Her upbringing had been one in which she was left from the age of nine to be a surrogate parent to her brothers and sisters while her parents went out and drank. On their return, she related, she would be hauled from her bed and confronted with her inadequacies and beaten. The next day she would be left in charge again and the cycle would repeat. She learned that nothing she did would ever be good enough, that there was nothing pleasing about her or her abilities. As she spoke she also related her deep sense of loss of her own childhood, her time of innocence, play and learning. She also revealed how guilty and fearful she is of the rage she feels--rage at the unfairness of her parents' expectations, at the loss of her self-esteem, at herself as a victim, at the absence of nourishing and nurturing from her parents. This mother is on the road to recovery, however, until this rage is understood and expressed it will tend to surface inappropriately in her relationships with her children. Each time it erupts she feels out of control and guilty. The cycle will end when she accepts herself as whole, approves of herself and recognizes herself as an unlimited spiritual being capable of choosing appropriate thoughts, words, feelings and actions.

Respect for all things, animate and inanimate is our spiritual tradition. It is in our ability and willingness to live from an awakened spiritual consciousness that we can implement strategies to change our world and, in particular, our culture to provide a safe environment for our youth. We must live with an attitude of peace, a desire for harmony and a willingness to love. In this way we will demonstrate to our youth the interactions we would like them to emulate. We as adults are responsible for modeling appropriate, loving behavior. We are responsible for improving our functioning in the world, and, therefore, the functioning of the world. Young people who have been surrounded by adults living consciously will have a far greater opportunity for developing spiritually than those raised in confusion. It is essential that we undertake our responsibilities as role models at all times. A "Do as a say, not as I do" philosophy will not work. Children may fail to do what we ask, but, they seldom fail to do what we do!

This article is part of an ongoing series in which many aspects of working and living with children and teens will be explored. If you have specific questions or topics you would like addressed in future issues, send them to Dr. Shaler at the address below.

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, is a speaker, consultant, author and executive coach. She provides strategies, tools and motivation to individuals and organizations to Achieve Goals, Create Quality Relationships & Maintain Healthy Balance-SIMULTANEOUSLY! Invest in yourself now!

http://www.GetLifeLinedUp
Contact her: mailto:rs@GetLifeLinedUp.com
Free publications! Invite her to speak at your next event!

Editor's note:
Another good site I've found is gentle parent.

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