My Privacy Policy

It's been announced by hundreds of polls
that your major concern is privacy.
Surfers are demanding to see
a privacy policy
from the sites they visit.

FALSE ACCUSATIONS

But let it be known to all and sundry that I can not respond to requests for more information to anyone with an @aol.com address. aol.com blocks virtually all mail coming from a commercial domain such as mine, claiming that I send out "a huge amount of" SPAM or UCE.

Under penalty of perjury I publicly declare I do not send out ANY spam or uce.

Why this lie is being told by aol.com I do not know. I do know 99 out of the 100 letters I do send are being sent for the sole purpose of delivering what a customer has asked for. America On Line has been repeatedly advised of this manifest truth and has blindly refused to halt this travesty of justice.

Here's my privacy policy:

I'm as friendly as a dog with two tails.
Even my friends suspect I'm running for Governor
Strangers jokingly ask
if they can vote for me when I do.

Unfortunately, I'm not a high techie.

Consequently –

I'm not smart enough
to know who you are
or where you came from
unless you write to me,
buy something,
or sign up on one of my mailing lists.

Furthermore, Be It Known
If you write to me for more information on some subject
then I'll keep your address for about 30 seconds
unless I can't answer your question
or haven't done what you asked of me.
In which case
I MIGHT keep your address for 2 hours or more.

Now if you ask about becoming a client
and if I'm eager for you to become a client
and if the ball is in your court
I'll keep your letter on file for 2 days or more
before writing to make sure you received my best offer
or wish you Good Luck and God Speed.

If you buy something directly from me
(meaning it is not an automatic process)
and I believe I might have something else
you'd be interested in some time soon
I'll keep your address on file for 2 weeks or more.

However,
If you sign up for one of the newsletters I offer
YOU'VE HAD IT!
I'll have your address up there and active
for 2 eternities
or more
Unless you ask to be removed from the roster.

In No Circumstances
Whatsoever
will your name ever be bandied about,
your x@yz.com be handed to a 3rd party,
or your URL be made public
--- unless you ask me to,
and probably not even then.

There are only 3 exceptions
to this never-ever rule.

If you have a web site and I believe it is great
I'm quite likely to tell everyone I know about it.

If you have your x@yz.com emblazoned on your web site
I figure you are open for business and begging for letters.
I promise I will write to you -- if I ever have time
and if I ever have something to say
which might be of specific interest to you.

If you have a guestbook open to the public
and
if I can find
something good to say
about your site --
I'll say it, loud and clear
on your guestbook.

So that is the cipher and the sum of it.

If you can't understand my privacy statement
chances are you'd never come close
to understanding someone like me.

But you are welcome to keep trying --
because
I've never done no drugs
and someday,
I'm going to run for President.

I have a deep and abiding love for policy statements. Please send yours, if you have one posted on the web where Public Surfer #1 can see it.

Meanwhile, here's the best one I've seen today:

"I am getting sick and tired of getting e-mails from people complaining that downloads are going to slow. Do any of you pay me to have this site up? Would you all prefer I just take it down so you can quit whining? The page is currently hosted on a cable modem. I should hopefully have a faster connection soon, until then QUIT CRYING ABOUT IT! Oh yeah, anyone caught downloading more than one file at the same time, GETS BANNED FROM THE PAGE!"

Please let ME know if the words now on this link no longer match the original words of that policy as displayed here. Far be it from me to retard individual improvements of any kind.

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