There are only two things certain in this life,
One is Death
The other is taxes.

***

Funerals are for the living. 

People don't fly half way across the country
just to see old Bill in his pretty casket. 

• They do come to show others they cared. 

• They come to comfort Dorothy. 

• They come because Greg will be there

• and they haven't seen him in 30 years. 

• They come to be a part of the show. 

• They come to see the show,

• even if they know in advance they will hate the show.

People come to funerals dressed in the best they have,
even if that is just rags that can't possibly hide their poverty.

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I usually feel cheated at the funeral of a near friend when I see the family displays, and hear the recital of accomplishments.  "Why didn't I get to know _______ any better?"

Then I get to thinking that if old Bill had been telling me about those things he'd have lost my friendship for having been such a braggart.  It's almost like hearing him say, "You should have been paying attention," as I sit there listening to the eulogy.

Attention is about all I can afford to pay, and I still miss out on 90% of what the rest of the world knows.  So, I go to funerals with every intention of listening, to the people there, the undertakers, and even the minister.  I listen, and I watch, and I try to offer my hand to anyone having trouble with their grief.

There's always less general grief when the party in the casket carried good insurance.  Wives don't care about insurance, but widows do.    Lots of visitors bring flowers, or food to help the grieving family.   But oh how few remember to bring money. 

When friends discover that old Bill left Dorothy and the kids with enough to get by on for a year or two, it makes the load of concern much lighter.   Children who won't have to reach into their own pockets to bury their "Bill" don't feel nearly as betrayed either.  Funerals are traumatic enough already without adding the burden of scurrying for burial funds and immediate living expenses.

One thing to remember about Insurance is that there will come a day when you and I can not get life insurance.  I was at one pre-funeral family gathering where "Daddy" had let his insurance premiums lapse and the kids were having to reach deep into desperate pockets.   There were scowls all around until the eldest boy said:  "Well, I'm going to put in $800 for that time Daddy came to pick my stuff up off the road  when that Texas Truck Driver ran over me."  One by one the other kids remembered when "Daddy" had done them a good turn too, and the money for the funeral came across more willingly even though they had to borrow it against the house.   You'd be astonished at how many people call their insurance agents with tears of gratitude after a funeral.

On Your Best Behavior

It always bothered me how to act at a funeral, having four hands and six left feet didn't help a blasted bit.  Until Reverend Welch died I had never lost anyone I was really attached to, for one thing.  That left me feeling out of place at funerals.   The older I got, the more funerals I attended until now it seems there are 3 or 4 per month that I'm obligated to attend, and I'm getting much better at it.

There were a lot of behavior examples I didn't want to follow, feeling they were about as dumb as I was to start with.  The coarse jokes, the ogling of young girls, and slipping outside to empty a bottle or two, never did appeal to me.

My next examples came from the professionals, the undertaking staff.   Their first rule of somber behavior is to keep your mouth closed and your chin down.  That makes you look sad and pious, no matter what you're thinking.  This tactic comes in handy when I hear a good joke -- and there are more really good jokes told at funerals than on any television show I've ever seen. 

Telling good jokes doesn't mean that people go there to be disrespectful; it just seems to be a natural escape mechanism used to bounce the human mind away from the inevitable, back to the frivolous.

Be that as it may, if a joke gets its way with you, holding your mouth shut and clamping your chin down will help you choke that guffaw down into solitary confinement.

Looking like an undertaker does bad things to you though.  For one thing, it numbs your feelings.  For another, it causes you to miss out on a lot of good jokes as people are passing around the good jokes they tend to ignore anyone who looks like an undertaker.

Other behaviors I noticed at funerals are "Water Girls" and "Support Brothers." 

Water girls turn the faucets on before they ever get there, and keep them running throughout the service.  As far as I can tell, the tears are for real; some people just cry easier than the rest of us.  It's probably a good thing for them and something we could let ourselves  emulate occasionally. 

Support brothers are there to run interference for the bereaved.   Stalwart pillars of officialdom, they keep the traffic off the dear ones.  Self-appointed Support brothers should be taken out and shot for wrecking a good funeral while those invited to perform their duties because of genuine concern are worth their weight in gold.

I don't have anything against Water Girls or Support Brothers, but would hardly recommend acting like either one to everyone in creation. 

I don't pretend a sad deference to the deceased because I know s/he is in a far better place than we are.  Concern for the family or friends is natural, and I show that concern with some service or symbol of concern before the funeral begins, like taking over flowers, or meals.  (I've always wished I had bought that Rose Roller that made roses out of hundred dollar bills.  I figure it might work just as good with singles.)  It always comes as a shock to me that others forget these little amenities.  And if you want to show someone you really care, come by a week after the funeral to provide some symbol of service to the family, like cutting the grass or checking out the furnace.   I always take my wife along to add comfort inside the home while I toil away outside.

After years of study and practice I have come to the perfect combination of behavior at funerals for me; I call it Misty-eyed Sunshine.  I keep a mildly misty-eyed smile on my face, and shake hands with anyone coming within two feet of me.  That seems to work for me 100% of the time. 

In the final analysis, the behavior you choose to display at funerals should become natural to you, with a peck or two of good sense thrown in.  

• Don't avoid the bereaved, don't offer an embrace unless s/he indicates one is wanted from you.   

• Let the water sisters and support brothers do their thing.  

• Tell your best jokes outside or at least in the hallways.  

• Last but not least, don't run the chapel down while you're there. 

• Wait until you get home to tell anyone how badly someone else looked at the funeral.

Oh, a priceless tip for the bereaved for when unwelcome embraces are winging your way.   I have only seen this twice now but it worked so well that I was shocked.  Take one step towards the aggressor -- and then turn sideways to them.  There is nothing they can do short of looking immensely foolish trying to get around to the front of you.   For good grace you might drape an arm around the aggressor's shoulder  This way you don't even smell bad breath, much less experience unwelcome pressures on the bosom!

Some of the things you want to plan for your funeral are

1. enough insurance to cover your final expenses.  Pre-Need policies from funeral homes are fine if nothing goes wrong.  But you may end up as one Chickasha Oklahoma man with a big farm and lots of equipment did.  He and his wife were in a car accident.  His surviving wife was sued for wrongful death, and there was no income left to her for years.  The Pre-Need settlement was attached along with everything else.  A good Insurance Policy would at least have paid off without being attached. 

2. write it down WHERE you want to be buried. 

3. Write out your own epitaph

4. Create a Memorial Guide, recording some of the achievements you want to be remembered for.

5. Write down Where you want the funeral held.

6. Make known your preferences for burial or cremation, plot or crypt.

7. Write down WHO you want to conduct.

8. Write down who all you want to speak, and what speaker should be stricken from the lectern at all costs.  

9. Write down your favorite hymns to be played.

10. Create a will.
    Don't forget the grandkids and their higher educational needs.
    Prepare for eventualities, to your spouse, but back to YOUR heirs if your spouse dies before you do?

11.   Name an executor.

12. Record the location of important documents, diaries, keepsakes. 
    One family KNEW beyond the shadow of a doubt that the deceased had a chunk of jewelry in the house somewhere.  Before they sold the house they searched one last time, high and low.  Nothing, nothing except just before the new owner took possession she spotted a leak from the hot water heater.  Upon moving the hot water heater out they found a wad of jewels taped to the back of the hot water heater jacket.   Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of jewels only the plumber might have known about.  Golly gum drops.

13.   Talk your arrangements over with your family and friends.