The only thing certain
about the laws of probability
is that they really do work,
just about nine times out of ten.

Postponed:

The husband shook his wife awake at 7 minutes before midnight.  "Honey, honey," he whispered urgently as her eyes struggled open.  "I'm not sure but I may have let this whole day go by without telling you that I love you."

"Well, that's okay," she whispered sweetly.

The husband stood up proudly and added:  "I just wanted you to know I'll try to do better tomorrow."

======================================================

A friend is someone you were able to forgive
for being better than you are.

===========================================

"Oh no, Johnny," cautioned his mother when a stray feline came up to make friends.  "Don't pet the cat."

"Why not?" asked Johnny.

She grimaced.  "Because he has friends and they are living with him."

Let’s try this again.  I’m not half as stupid as I think I am.

The Great Unconfirmed Baptism

The missionaries came in to ask me (I'm the clerk of our small Branch) if there would be any problem with a new convert wanting to be baptized in a stream. The Stake High Councilman was there and he fielded the question for me. "Aside from there being four inches of snow on the ground -- with more on the way -- and almost two inches of ice on the streams around here, IF your mission president says it is okay, you can go right ahead.  I can guarantee you she will remember her baptism forever."

His eyes glazed with moisture a little bit as he added, "I remember the last baptism I did in a river.  The applicant was -- uh -- rather rotund.  Because of her natural buoyancy it was difficult to get all of her under the water at one time but I finally succeeded, only to have her begin to struggle as she came up out of the water."

The new convert got out of his hands and skidded off into the swifter currents of the river. The Stake High Councilman began running after her but in his bare feet he was only making half the progress he needed to.  She was floating rapidly away.  There he stood, shoulder deep in the racing current, with almost a dozen witnesses from the Church and three hostile members from her family watching from the bank, and he shouted after the new convert, "Wait, Wait!  You haven't been confirmed yet!" 

A boat was procured and rescue efforts were launched immediately but the new convert was not caught up with until just before the river entered the Mississippi River, which was only a few miles away from the original baptism site.  

"Other than being a little waterlogged she was okay," declared the Stake High Councilman.  "Sadly enough, along with her sins the river had also washed away all her desires to enter the Lord's Church and she never was confirmed a member -- that I know of anyway -- I moved far away from there quite suddenly after that event."

You Can learn a Lot
From a Bum

Two bums met on the street for the first time since they became homeless.
"You too?" asked the first one. "What happened?"
And the second bum replies: "You know how it is, if Peter doesn't pay Paul then half the stocks on Wall Street crash. What's your story?"

The first bum shook his head sadly and responded. "Well, you just don't live without money for as long as I did without going broke."

"I know just what you mean," said the second bum. "Come on, I want you to meet George."

"Not George too!" protested the first bum. He received a nod, and shook his head. "Of course, I always knew he was poor, but a bum?"

They walked on down and found George shivering on a snow-capped park bench. "George, George. I'm so sorry to find you here like this. When did it happen?"

"I don't know," George told him sadly. "I didn't even realize I belonged here until the Goodwill Store refused to take the clothes I was trying to donate."

"Do you think you will ever make it back into society?" asked the first bum.

George shook his head. "No. I almost got on welfare once. But that went down the tubes because they found out I had only borrowed some cheap gin for an aftershave when I came in for the first interview, and I didn't really drink."

Another bum popped up from the other side of the bench, flinging newspapers every which a way. "I don't know which one is more frustrating: being too broke to go in the store, or having enough money to find out just how little it will buy."

The first bum capped it all off for them. "Well, I gotta go. 
Times are so tough I can only afford to tell one hard luck story a day."

I was walking by a construction site the other day and a dozen workers were lazing around, staring down into a deep dark hole with noxious fumes coming up. The project superintendent was kneeling over the hole, ear up to his cellular phone, listening intently, nodding his head. His eyes were up, staring off to the left as he nodded several times. I paused for a moment, watching the men at their break. Abruptly the superintendent turned around and shouted: "Good news boys, We're in the right place, even if we are doing the wrong thing."

As you read the rest of this page,
please remember
what Garry Aldridge always said:
"The First Liar doesn't stand a chance!"

So, let me hear from you now.

When I was working as a body guard with Garry who went into some really tough neighborhoods to collect his money, if things got tense he came up with a joke that usually got us out of it. His favorite way of starting the joke was, "Now, if you have heard this one before, don't stop me because I want to hear it again."

Garry made himself an irresistible speaker by grabbing your arm and holding on. One salesman made the mistake of asking him why he had decided not to purchase something, and Garry went on for hours, story after story, joke after joke, illustration after illustration about marketing in general and salesmanship in particular, and would not let that salesman leave there, no matter what. At 375 Garry is a growing boy, and he even skipped lunch to continue telling the salesman a few tales. He had the salesman by the arm and would not let go. The more twisted up with agony that poor man's face got, the more urgently Garry delved into the situation at hand. "No, you said you wanted to hear my reasons, so I'm going to tell you. I'm the smartest man I know and if you will just listen, some of my wisdom will rub off on you."

The salesman looked so pathetic standing there that I had to get outside so I could get down and roll. A friend of ours came up then. I told him what Garry was doing. He went in, and came back out so HE could roll. He was just getting up when the salesman finally threw the door open and escaped. We wanted to explain to him that it wasn't his fault about Garry. As he rushed to his car we hailed him. "Hey, wait a minute, we want to tell you something."

The salesman took one look, recognized our faces, and threw his hat at us as he shouted: "I don't want to hear it!" He left us in the dust, rolling of course. 

We got up and went back inside, only to find Garry was looking extremely glum. When we asked what the problem was he said: "I forgot the point I was trying to make and had to stop to think about it before I was through talking."

So, anyway, we can always ask Garry about the time he pleaded his own case before the Arkansas Supreme Court. That starts him talking about justice in the American way and he can go on for days with that one and other cases he was actually involved in.

Which reminds me of the time Garry and I were in court to testify against this woman who had supposedly robbed her sister of some jewelry we had bought from her. Garry had to identify the woman and the jewelry well enough to make that part of the case stick before the D.A. would charge her with something much worse. I hate courts, and tried my best to give excuse after excuse to get out of going. It didn't work. Over my doubting heart, I was there as a backup, just in case Garry wasn't convincing enough. "You'd never forget Virginia," the detectives had assured me.

It turned out, court wasn't so bad after all. There were only two choices of seats left when we came in and of course I chose to plop down beside the prettiest girl there. She was so demure, so sweet, so wonderful that I quite forgot about the court case as we whispered back and forth to get better acquainted. About the fifth time she snugged her dress down to her knees I began to wonder when OUR case was coming up and nudged Garry. "Tell me again what she looks like so I can point her out when they ask me."

Garry jerked his head past me, "That's her you're flirting with."

I turned and looked Virginia over again real good, then I leaned over and told Garry, "Helluva witness I'm going to make; I hope she gets off!"

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Remember too, you can have them on your web page for free
just for linking back to our page.

Yes, Virginia, Now there is a Santa Claus.

He lives on the World Wide Web. Not only is his pack open for distribution 24 hours a day, he has been cloned thousands of times, along with all his little reindeer.
Why there is hardly a site on the web where Santa isn't trying to give you a load of free gifts. You will find free browsers, free tools, free pictures, free artwork, free animations, free advertising, free publicity, free software and free, this, that, and the other. The list is so long, and so varied you will never come to the end of it. These days, just a word in the right place will bring Santa sliding down your modem with packages of gifts ready to open as soon as you get on line. It all starts with a link.
"What is a link?"
Virginia, if you have to ask that question, you are new to the web, and ready for your first taste of Santa Claus. Remember the poem, "Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse?" Well, it is time to stir your mouse around until your little cursor is right on the next line. I've made it big and long for you.

I now have everything in this world
I could possibly want,
except MORE.

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