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The Project

The two twins discovered Mom and Dad were secretly building a home entertainment center from a kit for their birthday.  "Knowing them, they'll make a mess of it," the twins decided.

Naturally, they consulted with Bill Gatesnerd.  Bill looked over the beginnings of Mom and Dad's project and shook his head sadly.  "It'll never fly," he declared.

Thus it was decided that every time Mom and Dad worked on the project, the twins would pay Bill to come behind them and straighten out what they messed up.

At last the great day came and the parents did their last touch.  Jerry and the twins crept into the room and Bill polished off their work with a grand flourish.  "Now by golly, we'll hear a blast!"

The twins turn on the set, and nothing works."

Bill blames the parents for straightening out the mess he made while straightening out the mess they made.  The parents can't understand why it isn't working, "We tested every step."

*

Murder by Placebo.  It is a fact well established by scientific research that a specific number of patients will get well when given a placebo instead of the real medicine.  Such is the power of the mind.  By the same token, can you get rid of that old whining geezer by TELLING him you've sprinkled his salad with oleander juice?
Better yet, when the old guy is on his deathbed, lock him in his room and tell the old geezer you have poisoned him, and then chart his progress at getting well enough to get out of the locked room.  Flash back to how good he used to be.

Human Like You

Row of Okra is half Cherokee, half white.  Except for moccasins on his feet he wears the clothes of a white man.  He is married to Last Standing Peas who is half Choctaw, half white.  They are prosperous.  They live in a big house as good or better than their neighbors.  They own 90 acres of cleared cotton land in Mississippi, with 100 acres of woods besides.

Okra returns from a trip to see his people and finds his wife chained up in their chicken house.  Her clothes are tattered; fresh welts scar her back and bare legs.  A white man is occupying the big house and harvesting the choice cotton bolls.  "Hey, it's all legal and clear.  You hired a white man to work for you.  That's why the guvment took your land away, and I bought this place from the guvment.  Until you can prove that wench ain't half nigra, she's mine too."

Okra takes the case to court, and loses.  He returns, steals his wife and they head across country for the Indian Nations, with hounds behind them.  Okra puts his white half behind him and resorts to Cherokee.  Peas resorts even farther than her Choctaw heritage and never speaks again.  Only occasionally do her eyes mutter a thought.

Stalking food where he finds it, Okra comes upon a herd of goats.  He has already killed one when he notices a kid being shoved away from its mother.  The kid is standing on two feet instead of four.  Its front legs are almost out from the sides, and rotate.  When it turns towards him Okra sees that the head has the appearance of being almost human, especially the eyes.  Then he notices the front feet and sees the split hooves on each foot are each split to form two opposing thumbs and two clutching "whatevers" from the other side.

"I have heard of white men mating with pigs and offspring resulting, and even sheep, but never have I heard of goats and men producing offspring."

Okra takes the hapless creature back to his camp and finds that it prefers meat to any other food.  A look in the mouth confirms that this creature is at least capable of being a carnivore.  Okra and Peas take it with them as they flee westward.

The creature learns English, and becomes a help and a hindrance to their escape plans.  Gradually they accept it as their own child.   In the Indian Nations the Choctaw will not accept it as a child.  Nor will the Cherokee.  Okra and Peas continue fleeing west and end up isolated among the sandy waste west of Ajo Arizona.

What have they got?  Where did it come from.  You take it from there, or any spot in between.

The Thorn that Never Leaves the Flesh

A child is stolen from a poor couple and though the years are kind to them afterwards, the thorn never leaves their flesh.  How to be happy when you never know the child's fate, can only imagine the grossest horrors, or hope the wildest dreams.

At moments when achievements should have brought joy, memories are triggered instead:  "When s/he woke up s/he always wanted potty cakes because the first thing s/he wanted was to go potty, and the next thing s/he wanted was pancakes, so she made the two events one word."

A smile, then the tormented wonder:  "Where is s/he now?    What are they doing to my poor child?"

The Lazy River

I mentioned the "Lazy River" and she challenged me on the spot. "It isn't lazy. It is working all the time."
    I was seized with the knowledge she was right, and that it would make a great article. We explored the idea together. The river has whirlpools, undercurrents. It moves silt to the ocean, it feeds a host of fish and turtles and more. It provides us with recreation, boating, fishing, skiing, and sights just to see. Birds nest there, bats hover near. No, rivers are not lazy. They are working night and day. We are the ones lazy who look on the river and are too lazy to see.

For Lack of a Dollar

I heard some rather good country music, and looking through the barn saw a man in a wheelchair who looked like he was up against the microphone. "I'll bet he's the one singing," I thought, even though there wasn't any instrument in his hands. I had my camera with me, of course. Around I go, and there is indeed a very clear shot of the man in the wheelchair, who is indeed the belter of the country music. Did I take the picture? No. There was a box in front of him that said: "TIPS" for Dan or Don Crawford, I think.
    He was tapping one useless, twisted foot on the packed earth, and the other foot was trying to do something. His hands appeared to be useless to him as well. But, if he wasn't lip syncing he was about as good as old Kenny is. A table had audio tapes up for sale, Crawford's tapes a little sign said. And, my lips twisted up in disgust as I turned and walked away. A woman, perhaps his wife or manager, said: "Can't stand the sight of a cripple?"
    "No ma'm. I was looking inside myself. He's batting a thousand, and I can't even do three cents."
    If I'd had a dollar, just a dollar, I'd have popped it in his box and took his picture, and seen about getting all the particulars for writing a story. I know at least 3 magazines that would love to run it. 4 by golly. But I didn't have the dollar. All I had was 2 cents and one of them looked more like a slug.

Why aren't you working?

It seems like the other guy ought to be working all the time. Why is it we can't stand to watch someone loaf even when they are not being paid to work? It just seems so grossly unfair, especially if we happen to be paying part of their wages. Kenny, our maintenance man at a Government Apartment house, worked long and hard from the time he came in until the last possible minute at night. He had time to say HI as he walked by to his next job, and that was about it. Kenny was so good at maintenance and welding that he was frequently in demand by the Housing Authority to work somewhere else for a few days. Once he was gone for two weeks. His replacement spent most of his time telling us what he was going to do when he demanded his vacation. Almost every time I saw him he was in front of the television for the duration of some show. And I seethed with self righteous indignation on Kenny's behalf. You know he is leaving Kenny a terrible load of work to do when he gets back.
    When Kenny did get back he did not share my concern at all. Hey, he said. There are only two things in this life that I get any fun out of. Working and fishing; I get PAID for working!

Not An Ill Wind

    Not so long ago, and not too far away either the freight car door snapped off the hinges, and the top of one Army payroll bag cracked open.  The money blowed out the door all across thirty miles of breathless desert before anyone noticed. But this was the hot, dry desert Yuma is famous for where sudden winds gust up to 50 MPH without warning, and whirlwinds can scour the sky two miles high. The railroad took anyone they could scrape up off the street to come help them pick up the unmarked $20.00 bills. When they finished, not one bill was missing.  I've always pondered in awe, what the searcher's thoughts were about the others searching with them, how much THEY must be stuffing into THEIR pockets.  The laws of Human nature were suspended that day.

Lost By The Rules

    When you don't know the rules it is almost impossible to win the game.  I lost Sharon to Eddie over a game of dominoes because I didn't know the rules for playing dominoes with her and her new boyfriend.

It seemed grossly unfair that when he put a domino down he made points, and all of my submissions counted for nothing. All my cunning was useless for lack of one essential piece of information available to me for the asking.  All I had to do was admit my ignorance, get the rules and I could have won.

Low On Air

    Penniless, broke. Even the air he was breathing was borrowed, and every step shortened by a chain of plastic tubing linked to a silver tank. He was ordained shortly to die by some pitiless frocked priest of the modern day temples. Glen slammed his fist down against the counter and vowed he would not go out a loser. He dreamed fervently of one, one more big score. "God help me," he whispered. "I may be going out, but by golly I'm going out over the top -- one more time."

***

Agent Orange, Explore the after effects in Viet Nam.  If some of our poor soldier boys get sick just from handling it once in a while, how badly must it have impacted Viet Nam where it was ladled out by the bucket. 

***

Explore the growing tendency for professionals (doctors, lawyers, etc.) to purchase large tracts of land that they will use only for the hunting (and fishing) privileges.

***

Pick your nursing home by the smell.  Ever noticed the stench of human waste in some of them when you walk in the door?  Ignore it at your own risk if you are going to drop your parents off.  

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Explore the practice of cannibalism in American politics.

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Explore the causes of increased interracial marriage in the south where it has become almost a feeding frenzy.

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