Brother B said that when he first joined the Church they were told that if they ever felt troubled, lost, or lonely that they should begin humming "Come, Come ye Saints." No matter where they were, if there was another Saint in the area they would be found, just by humming that tune. From that day forward, wherever he was, Brother B said he listened hard for that tune being hummed so that he could rush in to comfort that forlorn Saint. And sure enough, it happened. He was in a huge supermarket when the little tune wafted over the aisles to his ears. Up one aisle and down the next he searched for the lonely hummer. Finally he found her. "It was my wife Marian." He strived from that day forward to make sure Marian was never lonely again.
*** When Charlie and I checked into a Dallas motel he solemnly asked the clerk if he should sign the register with the name he used now, or the one he was born with. The clerk looked at us with a start of suspicion and Charlie added: "I was born with the name UNNAMED MALE CHILD and it is still on my birth certificate."
===
Brother X himself said his one claim to fame was that he could eat more fried chicken at a Church Potluck than any man alive. ======================= It was decided that we would clean up a long stretch of dirty highway as a work project on a Saturday. When we arrived for work we were told that the local newspaper had heard about the cleanup effort and would be by to take pictures. "So, look sharp!" My section had a bar ditch running beside it and I conscientiously cleaned the ditch too as it could be seen from the road. In one area the bank was extra steep but there was an old whiskey bottle down there and I vowed to take it out of the mud before anyone saw it in our neck of the woods. As I came reeling out of the slippery ditch the whiskey bottle was clutched tightly in my right hand and held out victoriously to show my pride for a job well done. One last lurch brought me
staggering blindly out on the top -- and the camera clicked while my one foot was still wobbling for a place to land. The picture froze me forever in the pose of dragging myself out of the ditch, and waving the bottle
as if to take one last slug as I reached the top. To this day I can see the newspaper caption... "Mormons Make Last Ditch Clean Up Efforts!" ============
I was signing up for membership in
a writer's club and the last question asked where I got my inspiration
from. Since I work in the temple twenty hours a week I responded
that "I associate with spiritual giants." After
submitting the first application another question came
back, "Are you playing golf with Billy Graham?"
*** One day as she taught the Relief Society lesson Marleen stood up in front of all the women who love me and said, "Ever since we got married Earl has struck me many times," and here she paused to ponder long and arduously for inspiration to list for them all I had done. The silence in the room grew tense as if they were helping her consider my awesome striking powers, then Marleen went on: "with the depth of his understanding, the breadth of his reading, and how smart he is."
"I'm sure glad you finished that sentence," the Relief Society President exclaimed. But I am sure that there are many so shocked by my striking powers that they never heard how brilliant I was.
In their minds, history has been indelibly recorded. Earl is now Brother T, Striker First Class. =============== A criminal is anyone breaking more laws than I am. ========
After a year our next door neighbor
from across the street and down aways came over and introduced himself
with a Christmas card. He watched the neighborhood, he said.
He knew when our next door neighbor left and he knew when people came to
see us. He was an ex-cop and an ex-MP. If he ever saw
anything strange going on in our neighborhood he would feel obligated to
do something about it. He felt it was his duty to go on serving.
"What do you do now?" We
asked. Well, he was working in heating and air. and he was licensed to
do electric and plumbing as well. "If you ever need any help,
there is no need to call on anyone else because I just live across the
street from you."
My wife grinned at me and said, "Do
you mean that if I ever need a thermostat put in I can call on you."
"Certainly," he responded.
"And the same thing with plumbing problems, like if you need a faucet
put on or the sewer line backs up. Just call on me. I even
have ground radar so I can find the exact spot trouble is building up.
I just live across the street so there is never any need to call on
anyone else. My minimum fee is just $100.00 and --" then he explained
the rest of his fees.
After he left my wife looked at me
and said, "Wow! I never realized you were worth so much!"
***
You weren't put here on earth to tell everyone your
troubles. You are here to display wholesome patience while I tell you
mine.
======== Charlie's dad was a Baptist minister and when Charlie was full grown he finally took his father to task. "Daddy, why did you make me and all my brothers sit in the front row at church? You knew we'd been out all night and couldn't stay awake." "Yes," his father replied. "And every time you fell asleep your heads would fall forward -- you'd wake up and jerk your heads back. Everybody behind you thought you boys were saying AMEN!" ============================
When we read new records in during Sacrament President K has asked that we follow this format. "We have received the records of xxxx. All those who can join with the Branch Presidency in welcoming this family into the Branch please signify by raising the right hand." I'm told to ask after a pause: "Are there any opposed?" Okay, that's fine. But several members came up to me after that first time and suggested that we really should oppose the reading in of those incoming records for people who never show up and don't want to see us at their home either. Isn't that a marvelous idea? But then a wonderful enhancement struck me, Why stop there? With great zeal I have hastened to move all the records of
our inactives out to parts unknown and our home teaching, visiting teaching ratios will
soon shoot right through the roof this month! If and when those records ever do come back, we'll simply oppose them when they are read in, and our home teaching, visiting teaching ratios will keep right on shooting through the roof! The Stake will be proud of us. The General Authorities will brag on us. Oh sure, we can expect President Hinckley to put a note on his desk to come investigate us, but hey -- I want to meet this great prophet at least one time in my life before I die. *** In Sunday School I gave my testimony of how glad I was to have been asked to join the Lord's Church. A friend piped up and said, "You weren't invited, you invaded the Church." "Yes, I was invited." I told him. "In fact I was commanded to join this Church." Larry popped off again asking how a man like me could have been allowed inside the Church. I glanced askance at the instructor then responded: "Because of my background I too wondered about that and after a short time I went before the Lord for an answer. "Lord, considering how hard it is for me to live the gospel and what I was before I came into the Church, why did you let me in." And the Lord said, "Yes, all that is true. But just look what the other side has lost." Then I glanced back at Larry.
"That answer has satisfied me all these years. I hope it satisfies you as well." Larry ducked his head and did not say another word. *** It was almost time for our two kids to be returned home from a vacation with their grandparents when we received an ominous phone call. "We have decided to hold these two kids for ransom. Does a hundred thousand sound like too much to ask for, or should I raise the price even higher?" | 
Three months after I joined the Church I did something so bad I just had to see the Bishop. 
So I started out with a SUPPOSE story with the intention of teaching this important principle: Suppose this man went into the grocery store and stole a dozen eggs. When he got to his car he decided to repent. What did he have to do to make things right?